I just saw this post and it struck me real hard. I had a little talk and cry after so long with someone today talking to her made me feel better.
This picture speaks volumes about me.
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My feelings are not manifesting into words right now.....................
Maybe another time............
It's 6.15am on a Friday.
I have someone in the kitchen making breakfast and lunch - yea a cook.
I was correcting one of my students' essay and suddenly I had this urge to open my longtime-not touched-blog of mine! The essay was so overwhelmingly bad and I guess I just wanted to talk to someone or write something to .... well..... I don't know.... vent how terrible the essay is?.....
In one hour's time, I'm gonna have to wake my daughter up and get her ready for school. Sometimes I feel like I have the best life anyone could imagine. I mean, my better half kind of makes life so much easier for me. I have someone to help me with the household so that I am not overwhelmed trying to juggle my work and taking care of our kid. Sometimes I feel like I'm not appreciating him enough. I'm not sure if I match up to his expectations.. I very much doubt so.
Nowadays this empty feeling has crept inside me again. This hollow feeling inside is making me angry and frustrated and I realize I am taking it out on my child for the past 3 - 4 days.
I am back to crying myself to sleep at times. (had'nt had his for quite sometime now).
Sometimes when I have this feeling of emptiness and frustration, you know what I imagine myself doing?... I literally want to thrush my hand into my chest, pull out whatever it is that's making me have this feeling and throw it out so damn far away into the ocean!
There's so much more to write that I don't know what to write.
You know what's missing in my life? A friend. A friend/ few good friends. Someone whom I could call up whenever I need a listening ear. Someone who's cribs I would listen to whenever they need me. Someone who would listen to me without judgement. Someone whom I can give advice(if needed) without being called a know-it-all. Someone to have fun with, without any inhibitions and awkwardness.
But I know that would never happen in this lifetime. You see, I have trust issues. I cant seem to trust anyone. I always feel that they would hurt me and leave me one day so I never let anyone know me completely. Even if I get to know someone and I feel that we can connect on a certain level, the moment something negative happens between us or the moment we have a disagreement, I kind of build an invisible wall around me to keep everyone out. This 'wall' has gotten so high that it's almost impossible for me to climb out of it now. I have always felt that I make better friends with the male gender. Maybe because of my lack of interest in drama and politics (not the ideological politics) and gossips. It's just that I could connect with their mentality and way of thinking. But I guess I was afraid what people around would say about a girl with friends of the opposite gender...?
All my life it has been about others. What do they want me to be... what would they say... what would make them happy/sad/angry...
It was only after I got married that I realized I had a voice and opinions which I could make it clear to others. I've always had opinions about everything but never had the confidence to voice it out, or rather, I was shut up.
I thought I could have a best friend in my husband but I guess the 'wall' I built was so high that even he couldn't get in.
It's almost 7.30am. The hollow feeling is still there but the crying seem to have made me feel a little better. Got to go and start the Day!!
I lost my grand uncle to covid19 today. It was a shock. Not even in my wildest dream did i think that i would lose someone this close. I was numb when my husband told me the news. It just couldn't sink in. Even now as i write, it doesn't strike as a reality at all....
I had seen him the last time i went to native. He had come over to see me and my daughter. He was one of those few people who whole heartedly loved me. He was a stroke survivor. Paralysed... yet able to walk with a walking stick.
I came here to write so that I can clear my heart of this pain........... but nothing is coming out............ I just feel weak................................... numb.......................................
Yea.. I had insomnia yesterday night. I didn't get a shut eye yesterday night.
I was tossing and turning it got so bad i got up and went to the next room to sleep. Nope .. didn't work. Came back.. took out my phone and stared reading somethings... nope, didn't work.. started playing game.. This is how i sleep most of the time. I use my phone to stop my mind from wandering. I either read something or play a game. Slowly i'll drift to sleep and when my phone falls off from my hand i would keep it away and sleep. But yesterday nothing worked. So ended up playing until 6.30 am and then got up and started making breakfast. Around 8am I came and lied down on the sofa and then i fell asleep.
It's been a really long time since i had insomnia. Considering my days now i guess this was just assumable. oh well.........
It's been a long time... so time to release my pent up emotions.
My overwhelmed emotion got so bad this time that i had to look for a therapist online.
It all started 5-6 days back. Idon't know why but i just had this intense feeling of congestion in my chest/stomach area.. not the physical kind of congestion but i just felt like some kind of force/tension in that area. I could literally feel it ... damn it!
The next day it was something else altogether. It was anger. Extreme anger for God knows what. I had never experienced this much of anger for so long. I was throwing utensils around in the kitchen. Just the sight of unclean things irked me. The house was in a mess. My toddler was adding to the mess. The emotion was mounting so bad that yesterday i started shouting and venting my frustration on my poor child. Every time i lost my temper with my child i would cry with guilt. I was basically crying the whole day.
In the afternoon, after a bout of crying spells, i decided to look for a therapist / psychologist online right then and there. (I couldn't let my child be a victim of my extreme emotions ) I found one. Booked an appointment at 7pm in the evening. It was a chat session. I decided to do a chat session because i know i wouldn't be able to talk as half the session i would be crying. This way (chat) i could cry and communicate at the same time. It was helpful to a certain extend. I had someone to listen to. Its like i had to pay someone 900Rs to listen to me for 40minutes. I'm gonna have to start working so that i can earn to pay someone to listen to my problems. Wow!
Well, she is the one who suggested that i start writing (again). Apparently these emotions built up over days/months/years makes us feel this way and something may trigger it and this is what usually ends in crying spells and stuff.
I kind of have an idea what triggered it. Well, at least i think so.
For the past 1 week, i have been reading articles from The Straits Times (a news paper in Singapore) about the Covid 19 spread in India. Its not the article that affected me but the comments that i saw for that article. The horrendous comments about India, its people, its government....... just broke my heart.
Apparently a few people from India who had gone to Singapore have been found to be covid positive. Again the heinous comments started pouring in. We were irresponsible, apparently, we were taking up the jobs of the locals.. we were taking the whole of our village there and ................................ i don't think i want to go on.....
These kind of comments just made me so angry. I mean is this what these people had in their minds all along.....about us Indians? There was one comment that said after infesting Singapore, Indians are looking for greener pastures like Europe. What the hell man.... I'm not the patriotic kind but this just made me almost topple the table over. I'm glad i left that place for heaven's sake!!
*Sigh* I feel like i got a load off my chest.... My therapist was right. I really need to start writing again.. To escape from this loneliness and this mundane life. I guess i only have myself to rely on. No one else and nothing else.
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On another note, I kind of have some ideas sparking in my mind. I think i might act on it soon. =)!!
Good luck to me!
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I don't know if anyone reads my blog... If someone does, I'm sorry for the depressing posts.. This is my outlet to vent my feelings.
