My favorite house and my light is no more

 I lost my grandmother............

I knew it was coming but it was a little too abrupt. 

Should i have left when they called the day before? I said, "let's wait"... did i make a mistake by waiting a night?...

Did i make a mistake by sleeping for another hour more?

'cos if i had not, i would have been able to see her while she still had life in her body. 

'cos...... I reached just behind her... just as she(her body) reached the court yard, i was right behind her....

should I not have waited....? Should I not have slept an hour longer...?

She was the light of my childhood. The only person who spoke about the positives that happened with me/to me/by me in my childhood. 

She was me and I was her. We could communicate telepathically. I have not told anyone. And I'm absolutely positively sure that we had that kind of connection once. Even she didn't know it.

May be because we are of the same frequency or maybe we have the same neurodivergence .

My mother used to comment about me to my grandma : Amma, she has all your dirty(she meant bad) traits, she would say. 

I hate taking head baths so does(did) she... but only I understand why head baths are a big discomfort... the long (I inherited her long, thick, healthy hair... which is in a terrible condition now because of my neglect) hair.. its difficulty in oiling it and then washing it with the head down and then drying it... everything makes our head dizzy and overall, exhausted by the end of the ordeal of bath. To top it off, the discomfort we feel to have wet hair hang on our back with water that drips down no matter how much we dry it with cloth. We both probably had sensory issues.... I guess.. 

Its just one of the similarities we had. 

Balance issue is another thing. She had ear and eye balance issue. She couldn't look and concentrate on small items for too long. It would trigger her headache/migraine. So do I. 

She had obsessive thoughts so do I. Apparently, grandpa used to tell her, "why do you keep walking here and there instead of doing/completing something" when they get ready to go somewhere. I absolutely understand that because I know that thousand and one things are running through our mind at that time and whatever we see at that time stimulates our brain we end up starting it and leaves it unfinished and gets triggered by something else. 

***************************************

My favorite place of my childhood, my favorite house is no more. 

I absolutely detest going to the house right now... I still half expect or hope that she will be there looking at me coming over and me going to that house and holding her hand.  

I cried for the past 2 days. But today, I'm not crying anymore. Have I forgotten her so easily?... Why do I not feel like crying? She is still in my mind... Would she be upset that I'm not walking over to that house? I just have to hop over to that house from uncle's house but I'm here at my uncle's house more than over there... I just don't feel like going over .. I feel absolutely alone over there even though a lot of people are there. And i don't know if I'll be able to go to my grandma's house ever again. At least, if i had a good relationship with my mother, there was a chance of me going back again but ....... even that link is lost. 

The only person whom I still wish to see is my father. And i guess i would come back to see him........... Well, i guess i have always come back and i would always come back. 

A game of snake and ladder....

 I feel like i'm being eaten up from the inside. I just don't know how to continue anymore. For the past 3 days, I'm back to doom-scrolling. I can't sleep at night... aimless scrolling until 2am...3am.. waking up at 6 - 6.30 am.. sending my kid to school.... going back to sleep again at 9-10 am... waking up again after an hour or 2.... binge eating.... but i don't consume in large amount also.... just chuck in whatever is there edible in the kitchen....

The worst part................. I'm lasing out on my poor kid............................................... :( 

I start initiating things... but it doesn't materialize..... somehow somethings or the other happens and it just doesn't take shape...... 

I thought of taking up Montessori Teachers Training course .... nope.. didnt happen.. 

I thought of doing Mandala art / Zentangle art and creating an Instagram page of it .... I have the timelapse videos of those work i have done.... nope... didn't happen....

I thought of joining Bharathanatyam class while my daughter attends Karate class but no... the class timings doesn't coincide... so ....... nope... didn't happen... 

My husband have been telling me to start learning stock marketing so it's an extra income while I am at home.... First of all... I have no idea about this field... second, i have absolutely no interest in it........ every time this conversation starts between us, i go quiet... the reason i go quiet is because i just dont know how to explain it to him..... that how difficult it is for me to learn a new thing which is not even of my slightest interest and even if i were to start learning, i would undergo a loooot of stress and it's going to make my already messed up brain of mine even worse... when these thousand and one things are going through my mind, just one more activity is going to topple me over... I know what i would have to go through and I'm absolutely terrified of it.... In the past, all i had to do was bear it alone.... just burn and melt inside... no one knew and no one had to know.... but now i can't afford to do that... I have brought a child into this world and I have to make sure that my insane state of mind doesn't affect her. 

It's like a vicious circle... i want to do something... but something physically or emotionally or mentally stops me from doing that... i go into an anxiety phase... it affects my family life... i feel guilty about letting it affect my family life.... my crying spell starts... i go into a frenzy mode of either cleaning up/ organizing the house...or initiating some of the above listed things and it feels good for a couple of days... but when that doesn't get completed, the whole cycle gets repeated and i go back to square one. And then i just freeze.... i go into a frozen mode... 

 This has been my life for the past 7 plus years... How do i explain these things to someone who hasn't gone through it or to someone who doesn't want to understand it...... 

I have tried medications... it seems to work but i cant afford of take the medicines and lie in bed... I have people depending on me..... i need to be up and about.... 

I feel like i'm being tried by invisible ropes all over my body and being pulled from all over the sides..

It's been so long since i wrote.... usually, it used to make me feel better... but no... i still feel terrible and i still have tears rolling down my eyes for the past 45 plus minutes...