My favorite house and my light is no more

 I lost my grandmother............

I knew it was coming but it was a little too abrupt. 

Should i have left when they called the day before? I said, "let's wait"... did i make a mistake by waiting a night?...

Did i make a mistake by sleeping for another hour more?

'cos if i had not, i would have been able to see her while she still had life in her body. 

'cos...... I reached just behind her... just as she(her body) reached the court yard, i was right behind her....

should I not have waited....? Should I not have slept an hour longer...?

She was the light of my childhood. The only person who spoke about the positives that happened with me/to me/by me in my childhood. 

She was me and I was her. We could communicate telepathically. I have not told anyone. And I'm absolutely positively sure that we had that kind of connection once. Even she didn't know it.

May be because we are of the same frequency or maybe we have the same neurodivergence .

My mother used to comment about me to my grandma : Amma, she has all your dirty(she meant bad) traits, she would say. 

I hate taking head baths so does(did) she... but only I understand why head baths are a big discomfort... the long (I inherited her long, thick, healthy hair... which is in a terrible condition now because of my neglect) hair.. its difficulty in oiling it and then washing it with the head down and then drying it... everything makes our head dizzy and overall, exhausted by the end of the ordeal of bath. To top it off, the discomfort we feel to have wet hair hang on our back with water that drips down no matter how much we dry it with cloth. We both probably had sensory issues.... I guess.. 

Its just one of the similarities we had. 

Balance issue is another thing. She had ear and eye balance issue. She couldn't look and concentrate on small items for too long. It would trigger her headache/migraine. So do I. 

She had obsessive thoughts so do I. Apparently, grandpa used to tell her, "why do you keep walking here and there instead of doing/completing something" when they get ready to go somewhere. I absolutely understand that because I know that thousand and one things are running through our mind at that time and whatever we see at that time stimulates our brain we end up starting it and leaves it unfinished and gets triggered by something else. 

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My favorite place of my childhood, my favorite house is no more. 

I absolutely detest going to the house right now... I still half expect or hope that she will be there looking at me coming over and me going to that house and holding her hand.  

I cried for the past 2 days. But today, I'm not crying anymore. Have I forgotten her so easily?... Why do I not feel like crying? She is still in my mind... Would she be upset that I'm not walking over to that house? I just have to hop over to that house from uncle's house but I'm here at my uncle's house more than over there... I just don't feel like going over .. I feel absolutely alone over there even though a lot of people are there. And i don't know if I'll be able to go to my grandma's house ever again. At least, if i had a good relationship with my mother, there was a chance of me going back again but ....... even that link is lost. 

The only person whom I still wish to see is my father. And i guess i would come back to see him........... Well, i guess i have always come back and i would always come back. 

A game of snake and ladder....

 I feel like i'm being eaten up from the inside. I just don't know how to continue anymore. For the past 3 days, I'm back to doom-scrolling. I can't sleep at night... aimless scrolling until 2am...3am.. waking up at 6 - 6.30 am.. sending my kid to school.... going back to sleep again at 9-10 am... waking up again after an hour or 2.... binge eating.... but i don't consume in large amount also.... just chuck in whatever is there edible in the kitchen....

The worst part................. I'm lasing out on my poor kid............................................... :( 

I start initiating things... but it doesn't materialize..... somehow somethings or the other happens and it just doesn't take shape...... 

I thought of taking up Montessori Teachers Training course .... nope.. didnt happen.. 

I thought of doing Mandala art / Zentangle art and creating an Instagram page of it .... I have the timelapse videos of those work i have done.... nope... didn't happen....

I thought of joining Bharathanatyam class while my daughter attends Karate class but no... the class timings doesn't coincide... so ....... nope... didn't happen... 

My husband have been telling me to start learning stock marketing so it's an extra income while I am at home.... First of all... I have no idea about this field... second, i have absolutely no interest in it........ every time this conversation starts between us, i go quiet... the reason i go quiet is because i just dont know how to explain it to him..... that how difficult it is for me to learn a new thing which is not even of my slightest interest and even if i were to start learning, i would undergo a loooot of stress and it's going to make my already messed up brain of mine even worse... when these thousand and one things are going through my mind, just one more activity is going to topple me over... I know what i would have to go through and I'm absolutely terrified of it.... In the past, all i had to do was bear it alone.... just burn and melt inside... no one knew and no one had to know.... but now i can't afford to do that... I have brought a child into this world and I have to make sure that my insane state of mind doesn't affect her. 

It's like a vicious circle... i want to do something... but something physically or emotionally or mentally stops me from doing that... i go into an anxiety phase... it affects my family life... i feel guilty about letting it affect my family life.... my crying spell starts... i go into a frenzy mode of either cleaning up/ organizing the house...or initiating some of the above listed things and it feels good for a couple of days... but when that doesn't get completed, the whole cycle gets repeated and i go back to square one. And then i just freeze.... i go into a frozen mode... 

 This has been my life for the past 7 plus years... How do i explain these things to someone who hasn't gone through it or to someone who doesn't want to understand it...... 

I have tried medications... it seems to work but i cant afford of take the medicines and lie in bed... I have people depending on me..... i need to be up and about.... 

I feel like i'm being tried by invisible ropes all over my body and being pulled from all over the sides..

It's been so long since i wrote.... usually, it used to make me feel better... but no... i still feel terrible and i still have tears rolling down my eyes for the past 45 plus minutes... 

parenting

 

I just saw this post and it struck me real hard. I had a little talk and cry after so long with someone today talking to her made me feel better. 

This picture speaks volumes about me.

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.......................

My feelings are not manifesting into words right now.....................

Maybe another time............

The 'Wall' I built...

 It's 6.15am on a Friday.

I have someone in the kitchen making breakfast and lunch - yea a cook. 

I was correcting one of my students' essay and suddenly I had this urge to open my longtime-not touched-blog of mine! The essay was so overwhelmingly bad and I guess I just wanted to talk to someone or write something to .... well..... I don't know.... vent how terrible the essay is?.....  

In one hour's time, I'm gonna have to wake my daughter up and get her ready for school. Sometimes I feel like I have the best life anyone could imagine. I mean, my better half kind of makes life so much easier for me. I have someone to help me with the household so that I am not overwhelmed trying to juggle my work and taking care of our kid. Sometimes I feel like I'm not appreciating him enough. I'm not sure if I match up to his expectations.. I very much doubt so. 

Nowadays this empty feeling has crept inside me again. This hollow feeling inside is making me angry and frustrated and I realize I am taking it out on my child for the past 3 - 4 days. 

I am back to crying myself to sleep at times. (had'nt had his for quite sometime now). 

Sometimes when I have this feeling of emptiness and frustration, you know what I imagine myself doing?... I literally want to thrush my hand into my chest, pull out whatever it is that's making me have this feeling and throw it out so damn far away into the ocean! 

There's so much more to write that I don't know what to write. 

You know what's missing in my life? A friend. A friend/ few good friends. Someone whom I could call up whenever I need a listening ear. Someone who's cribs I would listen to whenever they need me. Someone who would listen to me without judgement. Someone whom I can give advice(if needed) without being called a know-it-all. Someone to have fun with, without any inhibitions and awkwardness. 

But I know that would never happen in this lifetime. You see, I have trust issues. I cant seem to trust anyone. I always feel that they would hurt me and leave me one day so I never let anyone know me completely. Even if I get to know someone and I feel that we can connect on a certain level, the moment something negative happens between us or the moment we have a disagreement, I kind of build an invisible wall around me to keep everyone out. This 'wall' has gotten so high that it's almost impossible for me to climb out of it now. I have always felt that I make better friends with the male gender. Maybe because of my lack of interest in drama and politics (not the ideological politics) and gossips. It's just that I could connect with their mentality and way of thinking. But I guess I was afraid what people around would say about a girl with friends of the opposite gender...? 

All my life it has been about others. What do they want me to be... what would they say... what would make them happy/sad/angry... 

It was only after I got married that I realized I had a voice and opinions which I could make it clear to others. I've always had opinions about everything but never had the confidence to voice it out, or rather, I was shut up. 

I thought I could have a best friend in my husband but I guess the 'wall' I built was so high that even he couldn't get in. 

It's almost 7.30am. The hollow feeling is still there but the crying seem to have made me feel a little better. Got to go and start the Day!!

A painful loss - Covid19

I lost my grand uncle to covid19 today. It was a shock. Not even in my wildest dream did i think that i would lose someone this close. I was numb when my husband told me the news. It just couldn't sink in. Even now as i write, it doesn't strike as a reality at all....

I had seen him the last time i went to native. He had come over to see me and my daughter. He was one of those few people who whole heartedly loved me. He was a stroke survivor. Paralysed... yet able to walk with a walking stick.

I came here to write so that I can clear my heart of this pain........... but nothing is coming out............ I just feel weak................................... numb.......................................

Mr Insomnia Strikes again!

 Yea.. I had insomnia yesterday night. I didn't get a shut eye yesterday night.

I was tossing and turning it got so bad i got up and went to the next room to sleep. Nope .. didn't work. Came back.. took out my phone and stared reading somethings... nope, didn't work.. started playing game.. This is how i sleep most of the time. I use my phone to stop my mind from wandering. I either read something or play a game. Slowly i'll drift to sleep and when my phone falls off from my hand i would keep it away and sleep. But yesterday nothing worked. So ended up playing until 6.30 am and then got up and started making breakfast. Around 8am I came and lied down on the sofa and then i fell asleep. 

It's been a really long time since i had insomnia. Considering my days now i guess this was just assumable. oh well.........

yea yea.. another distress release post

 It's been a long time... so time to release my pent up emotions.

My overwhelmed emotion got so bad this time that i had to look for a therapist online.

It all started 5-6 days back. Idon't know why but i just had this intense feeling of congestion in my chest/stomach area.. not the physical kind of congestion but i just felt like some kind of force/tension in that area. I could literally feel it ... damn it!  

The next day it was something else altogether. It was anger. Extreme anger for God knows what. I had never experienced this much of anger for so long. I was throwing utensils around in the kitchen. Just the sight of unclean things irked me. The house was in a mess. My toddler was adding to the mess. The emotion was mounting so bad that yesterday i started shouting and venting my frustration on my poor child. Every time i lost my temper with my child i would cry with guilt. I was basically crying the whole day. 

In the afternoon, after a bout of crying spells, i decided to look for a therapist / psychologist online right then and there. (I couldn't let my child be a victim of my extreme emotions ) I found one. Booked an appointment at 7pm in the evening. It was a chat session. I decided to do a chat session because i know i wouldn't be able to talk as half the session i would be crying. This way (chat) i could cry and communicate at the same time. It was helpful to a certain extend. I had someone to listen to. Its like i had to pay someone 900Rs to listen to me for 40minutes. I'm gonna have to start working so that i can earn to pay someone to listen to my problems. Wow!

Well, she is the one who suggested that i start writing (again). Apparently these emotions built up over days/months/years makes us feel this way and something may trigger it and this is what usually ends in crying spells and stuff. 

I kind of have an idea what triggered it. Well, at least i think so. 

For the past 1 week, i have been reading articles from The Straits Times (a news paper in Singapore) about the Covid 19 spread in India. Its not the article that affected me but the comments that i saw for that article. The horrendous comments about India, its people, its government....... just broke my heart. 

Apparently a few people from India who had gone to Singapore have been found to be covid positive. Again the heinous comments started pouring in. We were irresponsible, apparently, we were taking up the jobs of the locals.. we were taking the whole of our village there and ................................ i don't think i want to go on..... 

These kind of comments just made me so angry. I mean is this what these people had in their minds all along.....about us Indians? There was one comment that said after infesting Singapore, Indians are looking for greener pastures like Europe. What the hell man.... I'm not the patriotic kind but this just made me almost topple the table over. I'm glad i left that place for heaven's sake!!

*Sigh* I feel like i got a load off my chest.... My therapist was right. I really need to start writing again.. To escape from this loneliness and this mundane life. I guess i only have myself to rely on. No one else and nothing else. 

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On another note, I kind of have some ideas sparking in my mind. I think i might act on it soon. =)!! 

Good luck to me! 

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I don't know if anyone reads my blog... If someone does, I'm sorry for the depressing posts.. This is my outlet to vent my feelings.  

Literally pain in the heart

Yeah yeah... I'm back. I'm back with another depressing post.
I guess I come here when I have too much going on in my mind and as usual, I have no one to share it with.

Just now I had this ache in my heart. You know that feeling of pain.. not physical pain but that extreme emotional pain that you feel.
Emotional pain is too strong such that you kind of feel the physical pain in your heart. Maybe that's where the word heartbreak or heartbroken comes from.

As each day goes by, I'm losing the motivation to live. I'm just waiting for my final day I realise.
I'm just passing each day till the day I die I guess.

The lump in my throat is getting too painful. In the past I used to be able to cry as and when I wanted without being noticed and whenever I wanted. And that used to make me feel better. A long cry used to clear my sadness, frustration and all negative feelings. But now it's not possible. With a lovely toddler tailing behind you all the time taking care of her, playing with her, solving her little problems, just being there for her has made me spend zero amount of time with myself.
Even taking care of my daughter is being compromised because of my mental state right now.

I was feeling so down in the dumbs 2 days back that I started my old habit of listening to my favourite songs.

I don't know why I'm still alive.. yea I  know why.. but.. wwhhyyyy??
(Kung Fu Panda's father Mr. Ping said this.. :D ) !!

Corona

I ended up bursting out crying just now.. I'm scared .. I'm frustrated.. I'm cranky.. I'm hyper at times.. I'm out of mind sometimes. I don't know what to do.. I don't know who to talk to..
 Corona is scaring me.. That's for sure. But.......... I don't know what's happening to me.........
In the past I used to be able to write my feelings out even if I was not able to vocalise it. Now even that is not possible. And it's driving me crazy. Here I am crying my eyes out and simply typing away in my phone... :(
God.. Help me!!
This isolation is driving me crazy..
An introvert forced into self isolation is not a pleasant thing.

Hibernation mode

I feel like I'm going into a hibernation mode.. weird.
You know how a laptop kind of slows down and the lights dim before turning the screen off when it hasn't been used for a while. Suddenly when someone touches the touch pad it just kind of startles itself back to life. That's how I feel now.. Now as in, for the past few days. I don't realise the passage of time..
I have been burning the food in the kitchen. I completely forget that something is kept on the stove. Only when it's burnt to the core with smoke do I realise that something was there on the stove.
Only after 2 or 3 whistles of the pressure cooker do I realise that the whistle had gone off and I don't know how many had gone off.
I guess I'm subconsciously nodding off. I'm turning into a walking zombie. I'm nodding off with my eyes open.
I don't realise the passage of the week or months for that matter. Even when it's Friday, I would think that it's still Tuesday or Wednesday.
Something is happening to me.............
:( !!

Just a fraction of a second

It only takes a fraction of a second to feel utterly worthless.

Why am i letting other people decide how i feel???

Over days and weeks i would preach in my facebook posts about how you should take control of your emotions and stay strong and be who you are and all kinds of crap and within seconds a mere change of an expression from a stranger can make me feel depressed.

That feeling of having something heavy deep down in your stomach... the urge to just lie in bed... the feeling of having the urge to wail out in emotional pain but being numb instead... having no appetite to eat even when you are starving... the physical aches and pains for no reasons known.

What makes it worse is having a little angel hovering around you with so much of love and enthusiasm but not being able to reciprocate the same kind of love back.

Honestly sometimes i feel that i shouldn't have had her. If only she had been born to a better mother..or rather a better human being. How i wish............

PC : https://medium.com/@annastasya/how-to-overcome-emotional-pain-a925de33f85b

The misery is inside me

So the misery is inside me.... How do I get rid of it??..

I had known for some time not to be overly dependent on other people for anything. Be it physical help or financially. But how can someone live like a robot.. without emotions or without having anyone to share their emotions??..
How can one be happy when you are treated like a transparent object??

It is my fault for thinking that finally I have someone whom I could call mine, whom I could share every single thing in my life and not be judged, who will support me emotionally when I'm down in the dumbs!

It's not my fault that I'm an introvert.
If I could live like how I lived for 24 years that is without having any emotional support, I can continue living like this for the rest of my life.


I just can't continue writing anymore.. I don't want to spoil my pillow.
I guess the only thing I can forever depends on is the pillow... It was , it is and will always be there for me forever. And I guess I will need it forever too............

Laughter

I laughed truly after a long, long time today. I had been pondering about this for a long time, that I haven't laughed whole heartedly for years! I had started asking myself if I had forgotten how to laugh.
It's not that I never laughed. It's just that it didn't come from my heart.
Today I came to my mum's place. She and my daughter made me laugh out loud.. deep from my heart. No one can make me laugh like how she can.
I have a really weird relationship with my mother.
I've said this to someone before that my mother is the one who loves me the most and the one who hurts me the most!
She makes me laugh deep from my heart and at times, makes my heart bleed! Today she made me laugh and I have a feeling that tomorrow she's gonna make me cry my eyes out!

Love is too pure to be connected to any relationship

I know life wouldn't turn out exactly the way you want it, but.. come on.. at least close to it??
I am sick and tired of everything now. When i say everything, i mean every single thing. I just dread waking up now. May be i'm just going through a bad phase in life........... am i??..... When the heck have i ever gone through a good FREAKING phase?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!? Oh God!!!

Now i'm sick of complaining too....


I want to write something nice.... Actually, just a while ago, an old song just started playing in my mind. It brought back some memories. But then..... It some how kind of connected me to my daughter in the end...... You know, love shouldn't be attached to any relationship it should be left on its own. Its just too pure to be connected to any relationship. The feeling of love is so pure, so God like.

Yea.. my daughter is beautiful..
Yea.. she drops nectar from her lips at times.. Haha!
Yea.. Yea she jiggles her bangles and she talks like that too... 😍
Oh God i love my daughter! 😘

my toddler and me on a bad, bad day

I've heard that having a toddler makes you go haywire and that you are prone to frequent meltdowns. Well, now i'm experiencing it and its swallowing me whole!

The moment my husband stepped into the house from work today, i told him , " There's the tea on the table and dont call me for half an hour"! without even waiting for a reply i came into the bedroom and locked myself in. And here i am "bleeding" from the eyes and typing away!!

Its a mixture of feelings actually.... worthlessness, guilt, sadness, anger, remorse ......

The worst part is the feeling after screaming at my poor child... i mean its not her fault. That's how toddlers are supposed to be. Spilling things, making a mess, having frequent accidents, falling off and tipping over often.. but at that fraction of a second i just lose it.
What makes it unbearable is not having anyone to crib about it with.. someone who has time... someone who doesn't judge... someone to just listen to what i'm saying and just hold my hand.

Maybe i'm just having a bad day.... Maybe its my PMS.... Maybe.... i dont know... maybe i'm just being me........

Here comes the prediction!

Well, apparently I may turn lunatic in my old age it seems!!  At least according to some people!
I don't know if I should laugh or feel pity for ..... them.
Actually, when I come to think of it, I really wonder how I have not turned lunatic yet.. hmm.
Her grandmother was a person who spoke very less who later on turned mentally unstable in the old age..  wow.. what a comparison!

Right now, I'm in a state where if I hadn't had my daughter I would be dead. 😭
And I would make sure I would write their name in my suicide letter and make them die of guilt!!


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No. I would not do anything. I know I won't. If I were to , it would already have happened. :(

Some gaps are never meant to be filled

https://www.momspresso.com/parenting/mandavi-jaiswal/article/seasonal-love?fbclid=IwAR3FxpuJPWJvvZ1opnSPDwqd1x_l5rjrGpaZwemzEHQSMNLbjHt-wU0MwDU

Spot on!
Seems like it was written specifically for me.

I guess I'm not alone.
Some gaps are never meant to be filled.
And I can't do anything much about it.

Burning burning... :(

https://www.theladders.com/career-advice/how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist-5-secrets-backed-by-research?utm_campaign=keywee_cpc_intl&utm_content=how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist-5-secrets-&kwp_0=1124090&kwp_4=3636841&kwp_1=1521780&fbclid=IwAR25qDzcpSjF_4ZLPWRFEIYNXH55EpItY9VToCft5cHS0W2LHpFxPGEezvE

I wish I could show this to some people.

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It feels like I'm burning inside. I have to keep a pleasant outlook out side but somehow my face shows the fire in me. I don't like it...I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know who to go to for help. It's tearing me apart emotionally. It's kind of affecting my family life.

I want to get out of here. To where? I don't know.
No matter where i go, I'm still me. I can't escape from myself, can I?

I'm getting engulfed in negativity. I can feel it. I need to break free somehow. I need help.

I need to get back to praying. I've lost my connection with God. I've lost my spiritual side. I need to get back to it.
God was there for me when everyone else had forsaken me. It's time, i guess, to find solace in God.
😢

Flung back to the past...

Heart feels really heavy.
I feel like giving up. I really feel like giving up.
But I know I won't.

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I started this post with a shattered heart around 4 hours ago. Now I'm at ease... I believe.

It's heart wreaking to hear that I'm lucky that my daughter turned out to be like her dad. 
No, I'm fine with her being like her dad. But to hear it with that tone and indirect insult it's extremely painful.

I came here 2 weeks ago with a believe in myself that what I'm doing for my daughter is fine. Not perfect but fine. But right now, I'm the old low self esteemed being i once used to be.
Just some time back, i mechanically did what I was told to do even though i knew it wouldn't work. I felt like a puppet again.
Until around 5 hours back, i had only done what I thought was right and would work.
Until 5 hours back, i didn't care about what they would  think of me or how they would react if I didn't follow their instructions.

Now i do.
With just one sentence, they have managed to fling me back to the past and bury me in the old state of mind.

Now I feel nothing. Just tears flowing out of my eyes.
I'm at ease... I believe.

At sacred grove after a long time..

I thought I should write it out today itself.
I went to the sacred grove near my house. P*r*i Kavu.
It was near my paternal uncle's house. So we went there and went to the sacred grove and had food from uncle's house. Alot of relatives were there. I hadn't met them for a long time. It was nice. It was especially nice for my daughter. She had a great time with everyone especially the kids.
This reminded me of my paternal grandmother. The last time i went to the sacred grove was when she was alive.
I miss her at times. I wish she could have seen my daughter.