At sacred grove after a long time..

I thought I should write it out today itself.
I went to the sacred grove near my house. P*r*i Kavu.
It was near my paternal uncle's house. So we went there and went to the sacred grove and had food from uncle's house. Alot of relatives were there. I hadn't met them for a long time. It was nice. It was especially nice for my daughter. She had a great time with everyone especially the kids.
This reminded me of my paternal grandmother. The last time i went to the sacred grove was when she was alive.
I miss her at times. I wish she could have seen my daughter.

Frustrations of a senior citizen

No , i didn't make fried rice. *Sigh* forget it..
But I did make banana fritters. It was ok.

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I kind of understand why most of the older /senior citizens are cranky and agitated all the time.

Its the frustration of having lived and done the same freaking things for soooo freaking long time!!

I have had enough of living for 30 years... I can't even imagine 60/70 years!

You see, as you age, your body starts giving up . You cant do things that you used to do easily. You will have to depend on others at times. They might not be able to help you at that point of time. This might make you feel dejected and make you feel that you have become a burden to others.
To make yourself feel better and to deny the fact that you are aging and losing the control of your body, you will start doing things that you find difficult physically and resist every help you get from other able bodied people. The more people tell you to not do back- breakin work, the more you do it.
Tada!! You have become a cranky old senior citizen. ☺ My grandma 😍

I don't know what kind of an old woman I'm gonna turn into. 😊

Drama ....

I never thought I would have to face or experience drama  in my life. Well, i did or rather , i do now.
It has been there for sometime but I didn't really care or bother much about it until recently. But now it's getting really bad and intolerable. ( I don't know if such a word exist) 🤔

The overdramatic, manipulative narcissist. I'm sorry , 😢 but it's making my life a living hell.

On a lighter note, I'm craving for some tastey food. I'm thinking of making fried rice tomorrow. Let's see how it will turn out.

Nasty nasty me...

I feel like I'm turning into a nasty person.
A selfish , self-centered, uncaring , ruthless human being. I feel like the only thing that matters to me now is my daughter.

I don't give a damn about other people or other relationships that would compromise my daughter's health , safety or happiness.

I don't know how healthy it is for me or for my future. I'm starting to get concerned about it. But I can't help it.
I'm turning into an evil , nasty , malicious witch in the eyes of others.

I miss......

It has been years since I touched the blog.
I miss writing. I miss ..... Well , i don't know.. i just miss things now.. i dont know what.
My last post was dedicated to my husband after one year of marriage. It's been 5 years. And now I'm back to writing my feelings out.
I guess our honeymoon phase is over. :)

A year ago, we were blessed with a little angel . A darling she is. Now I understand why I overcame all my hurdles and obstacles and depressions in life. The reason I stayed alive. It was to see her.

My Anniversary Gift to my husband

It was a struggle to wake up: Deepika Padukone on suffering from depression - Hindustan Times


Good Read. Well, not the fact that Deepika suffered from depression but the fact that she acknowledges it and does, or rather, did something about it.

It reminded me of the time i had gone through depression. Those memories still haunts me once in a while.

I've heard that sometimes causes of depression are unknown but you know what i think? I think there are definitely underlying causes.

Sometimes i get depressed for days because i accidentally added too much salt in food. I know! This is your reaction, "What?! For adding too much salt?? Are you crazy? It happens to everyone once in a while!"
Well, you see, when you look at the thought process, you would understand it much better.

*adds too much salt*
My thoughts : Oh Sh**! 
My husband had had hypertension problem earlier. He's not going to like it now. He may not get agitated over it but he would only have very little food today. 
He's going to come back from a long, hard day at work. He may be looking forward for a nice, healthy meal at home. If i cant even provide that, what kind of a wife am i?? 
Yeah, i'm proving many of my family and friends right. They had said that the guy who marries me is going to be the most unlucky person ever. 
I had never done anything right. 
I am not able to keep my home clean and tidy all the time like how i want it to be. I am not even able to take care of myself. 
And i am expected to have a baby?? I cant even take care of my husband, home and myself! Should i bring an innocent being into this world to let it suffer in my arms? I would never make a good mother! (Oh, by the way, i am not a baby-making-machine to pop babies out when ever they want it! My husband and i would decide when to have a baby!)
i had always craved for affection during my teen years. The time when i needed someone the most. My father was there at times. And my uncle was there at times too. But they had limitations.  Not only did i not get affection from the person i craved to get from the most, but also she tore my confidence apart and crushed my self esteem. Well, she didn't mean to, actually. She believed in reverse psychology. When you criticise someone to the maximum, they would have this urge to correct it and prove to others that they are not to be criticised. But sadly, it doesn't work with me. I know the wrongs i have done. Even if no one points it out to me, i know. And i do feel guilty about it. And to top it up, when someone is hard on me for what i've done, i hate myself. Why am i not able to change?? Why am i not forgetting my past?? I feel emotionally drained.

Now do you get it? These underlying things have been brewing in my mind for a very long time. the extra salt just triggered it off!
In my case,the only way to release these emotions is through tears.
I've been told may times that i'm too sensitive. "Why're you crying for such silly things?? " ... Why are you crying for nothing? ... What did i do to make you cry??
You see, I didn't cry when i was told that i was not worth a penny. i didn't cry when i was told that i was a dumb for not having a baby soon. I cried when i was told that i would look terrible in Sari.
It was not the comment about Sari that hurt me. But with all of it together, i was not able to bear it. (By the way, i don't look that bad in Sari, FYI)

Its like the rain cycle. These sarcastic, hurting and malicious  remarks by others evaporates and condenses in the mind. And over time, it gets heavier and heavier. The face gets cloudy and gloomy. Finally when its not able to hold it any longer, it rains down as tears.  After a good, long rain, the sky clears, isn't it? Just like that, my mind clears, i become happy. I tend to forget everything that had been haunting me for sometime. And after a while, when nasty remarks starts pouring in, the history repeats!

But i must say, the best thing to me that happened to me after marriage was, of course, my husband. My husband, who allows me to cry. He doesn't stop me. He doesn't get angry when i'm not able to tell him my reasons for the tears. He allows me to cry on his chest. One thing i yearned for all my life and finally God was kind enough to grand me that. My Husband.

Exactly 7 months and 13 days....

OK... i know i know..... I've not written for a long long time... This is going to be my first post after marriage...

Well.. How should i start?... =)

Firstly, time files. I cant believe it's been 7 months since i got married. 

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i dont know how to continue this post.... 

There had been many a times i felt like writing some things but wouldnt get time to write at that instance... and later on i'd lose the inspiration to do so... and this is such an instance. 

i'll come back with a good post soon......