Laughter

I laughed truly after a long, long time today. I had been pondering about this for a long time, that I haven't laughed whole heartedly for years! I had started asking myself if I had forgotten how to laugh.
It's not that I never laughed. It's just that it didn't come from my heart.
Today I came to my mum's place. She and my daughter made me laugh out loud.. deep from my heart. No one can make me laugh like how she can.
I have a really weird relationship with my mother.
I've said this to someone before that my mother is the one who loves me the most and the one who hurts me the most!
She makes me laugh deep from my heart and at times, makes my heart bleed! Today she made me laugh and I have a feeling that tomorrow she's gonna make me cry my eyes out!

Love is too pure to be connected to any relationship

I know life wouldn't turn out exactly the way you want it, but.. come on.. at least close to it??
I am sick and tired of everything now. When i say everything, i mean every single thing. I just dread waking up now. May be i'm just going through a bad phase in life........... am i??..... When the heck have i ever gone through a good FREAKING phase?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!? Oh God!!!

Now i'm sick of complaining too....


I want to write something nice.... Actually, just a while ago, an old song just started playing in my mind. It brought back some memories. But then..... It some how kind of connected me to my daughter in the end...... You know, love shouldn't be attached to any relationship it should be left on its own. Its just too pure to be connected to any relationship. The feeling of love is so pure, so God like.

Yea.. my daughter is beautiful..
Yea.. she drops nectar from her lips at times.. Haha!
Yea.. Yea she jiggles her bangles and she talks like that too... 😍
Oh God i love my daughter! 😘

my toddler and me on a bad, bad day

I've heard that having a toddler makes you go haywire and that you are prone to frequent meltdowns. Well, now i'm experiencing it and its swallowing me whole!

The moment my husband stepped into the house from work today, i told him , " There's the tea on the table and dont call me for half an hour"! without even waiting for a reply i came into the bedroom and locked myself in. And here i am "bleeding" from the eyes and typing away!!

Its a mixture of feelings actually.... worthlessness, guilt, sadness, anger, remorse ......

The worst part is the feeling after screaming at my poor child... i mean its not her fault. That's how toddlers are supposed to be. Spilling things, making a mess, having frequent accidents, falling off and tipping over often.. but at that fraction of a second i just lose it.
What makes it unbearable is not having anyone to crib about it with.. someone who has time... someone who doesn't judge... someone to just listen to what i'm saying and just hold my hand.

Maybe i'm just having a bad day.... Maybe its my PMS.... Maybe.... i dont know... maybe i'm just being me........

Here comes the prediction!

Well, apparently I may turn lunatic in my old age it seems!!  At least according to some people!
I don't know if I should laugh or feel pity for ..... them.
Actually, when I come to think of it, I really wonder how I have not turned lunatic yet.. hmm.
Her grandmother was a person who spoke very less who later on turned mentally unstable in the old age..  wow.. what a comparison!

Right now, I'm in a state where if I hadn't had my daughter I would be dead. 😭
And I would make sure I would write their name in my suicide letter and make them die of guilt!!


..................


No. I would not do anything. I know I won't. If I were to , it would already have happened. :(

Some gaps are never meant to be filled

https://www.momspresso.com/parenting/mandavi-jaiswal/article/seasonal-love?fbclid=IwAR3FxpuJPWJvvZ1opnSPDwqd1x_l5rjrGpaZwemzEHQSMNLbjHt-wU0MwDU

Spot on!
Seems like it was written specifically for me.

I guess I'm not alone.
Some gaps are never meant to be filled.
And I can't do anything much about it.

Burning burning... :(

https://www.theladders.com/career-advice/how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist-5-secrets-backed-by-research?utm_campaign=keywee_cpc_intl&utm_content=how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist-5-secrets-&kwp_0=1124090&kwp_4=3636841&kwp_1=1521780&fbclid=IwAR25qDzcpSjF_4ZLPWRFEIYNXH55EpItY9VToCft5cHS0W2LHpFxPGEezvE

I wish I could show this to some people.

**********

It feels like I'm burning inside. I have to keep a pleasant outlook out side but somehow my face shows the fire in me. I don't like it...I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know who to go to for help. It's tearing me apart emotionally. It's kind of affecting my family life.

I want to get out of here. To where? I don't know.
No matter where i go, I'm still me. I can't escape from myself, can I?

I'm getting engulfed in negativity. I can feel it. I need to break free somehow. I need help.

I need to get back to praying. I've lost my connection with God. I've lost my spiritual side. I need to get back to it.
God was there for me when everyone else had forsaken me. It's time, i guess, to find solace in God.
😢

Flung back to the past...

Heart feels really heavy.
I feel like giving up. I really feel like giving up.
But I know I won't.

*********
I started this post with a shattered heart around 4 hours ago. Now I'm at ease... I believe.

It's heart wreaking to hear that I'm lucky that my daughter turned out to be like her dad. 
No, I'm fine with her being like her dad. But to hear it with that tone and indirect insult it's extremely painful.

I came here 2 weeks ago with a believe in myself that what I'm doing for my daughter is fine. Not perfect but fine. But right now, I'm the old low self esteemed being i once used to be.
Just some time back, i mechanically did what I was told to do even though i knew it wouldn't work. I felt like a puppet again.
Until around 5 hours back, i had only done what I thought was right and would work.
Until 5 hours back, i didn't care about what they would  think of me or how they would react if I didn't follow their instructions.

Now i do.
With just one sentence, they have managed to fling me back to the past and bury me in the old state of mind.

Now I feel nothing. Just tears flowing out of my eyes.
I'm at ease... I believe.