Literally pain in the heart

Yeah yeah... I'm back. I'm back with another depressing post.
I guess I come here when I have too much going on in my mind and as usual, I have no one to share it with.

Just now I had this ache in my heart. You know that feeling of pain.. not physical pain but that extreme emotional pain that you feel.
Emotional pain is too strong such that you kind of feel the physical pain in your heart. Maybe that's where the word heartbreak or heartbroken comes from.

As each day goes by, I'm losing the motivation to live. I'm just waiting for my final day I realise.
I'm just passing each day till the day I die I guess.

The lump in my throat is getting too painful. In the past I used to be able to cry as and when I wanted without being noticed and whenever I wanted. And that used to make me feel better. A long cry used to clear my sadness, frustration and all negative feelings. But now it's not possible. With a lovely toddler tailing behind you all the time taking care of her, playing with her, solving her little problems, just being there for her has made me spend zero amount of time with myself.
Even taking care of my daughter is being compromised because of my mental state right now.

I was feeling so down in the dumbs 2 days back that I started my old habit of listening to my favourite songs.

I don't know why I'm still alive.. yea I  know why.. but.. wwhhyyyy??
(Kung Fu Panda's father Mr. Ping said this.. :D ) !!

Corona

I ended up bursting out crying just now.. I'm scared .. I'm frustrated.. I'm cranky.. I'm hyper at times.. I'm out of mind sometimes. I don't know what to do.. I don't know who to talk to..
 Corona is scaring me.. That's for sure. But.......... I don't know what's happening to me.........
In the past I used to be able to write my feelings out even if I was not able to vocalise it. Now even that is not possible. And it's driving me crazy. Here I am crying my eyes out and simply typing away in my phone... :(
God.. Help me!!
This isolation is driving me crazy..
An introvert forced into self isolation is not a pleasant thing.

Hibernation mode

I feel like I'm going into a hibernation mode.. weird.
You know how a laptop kind of slows down and the lights dim before turning the screen off when it hasn't been used for a while. Suddenly when someone touches the touch pad it just kind of startles itself back to life. That's how I feel now.. Now as in, for the past few days. I don't realise the passage of time..
I have been burning the food in the kitchen. I completely forget that something is kept on the stove. Only when it's burnt to the core with smoke do I realise that something was there on the stove.
Only after 2 or 3 whistles of the pressure cooker do I realise that the whistle had gone off and I don't know how many had gone off.
I guess I'm subconsciously nodding off. I'm turning into a walking zombie. I'm nodding off with my eyes open.
I don't realise the passage of the week or months for that matter. Even when it's Friday, I would think that it's still Tuesday or Wednesday.
Something is happening to me.............
:( !!

Just a fraction of a second

It only takes a fraction of a second to feel utterly worthless.

Why am i letting other people decide how i feel???

Over days and weeks i would preach in my facebook posts about how you should take control of your emotions and stay strong and be who you are and all kinds of crap and within seconds a mere change of an expression from a stranger can make me feel depressed.

That feeling of having something heavy deep down in your stomach... the urge to just lie in bed... the feeling of having the urge to wail out in emotional pain but being numb instead... having no appetite to eat even when you are starving... the physical aches and pains for no reasons known.

What makes it worse is having a little angel hovering around you with so much of love and enthusiasm but not being able to reciprocate the same kind of love back.

Honestly sometimes i feel that i shouldn't have had her. If only she had been born to a better mother..or rather a better human being. How i wish............

PC : https://medium.com/@annastasya/how-to-overcome-emotional-pain-a925de33f85b

The misery is inside me

So the misery is inside me.... How do I get rid of it??..

I had known for some time not to be overly dependent on other people for anything. Be it physical help or financially. But how can someone live like a robot.. without emotions or without having anyone to share their emotions??..
How can one be happy when you are treated like a transparent object??

It is my fault for thinking that finally I have someone whom I could call mine, whom I could share every single thing in my life and not be judged, who will support me emotionally when I'm down in the dumbs!

It's not my fault that I'm an introvert.
If I could live like how I lived for 24 years that is without having any emotional support, I can continue living like this for the rest of my life.


I just can't continue writing anymore.. I don't want to spoil my pillow.
I guess the only thing I can forever depends on is the pillow... It was , it is and will always be there for me forever. And I guess I will need it forever too............

Laughter

I laughed truly after a long, long time today. I had been pondering about this for a long time, that I haven't laughed whole heartedly for years! I had started asking myself if I had forgotten how to laugh.
It's not that I never laughed. It's just that it didn't come from my heart.
Today I came to my mum's place. She and my daughter made me laugh out loud.. deep from my heart. No one can make me laugh like how she can.
I have a really weird relationship with my mother.
I've said this to someone before that my mother is the one who loves me the most and the one who hurts me the most!
She makes me laugh deep from my heart and at times, makes my heart bleed! Today she made me laugh and I have a feeling that tomorrow she's gonna make me cry my eyes out!