Exactly 1 month from 2day.........

The same day next month, its going to be another me... in a totally new place....  with completely new people....

What do i feel?..........................
Happy? : Yes
Scared? : Yes
Sad? : Yes
Nervous? : Yes

Well, i can just go on.......................

Another brand new change...... I'm sure i'll be able to handle it this time round.... 'cos now i know that i'm not alone.. anymore...........

Touch wood............

All these while, i used to save my tears for my pillow... It used to absorb all of it and dry up in the morning...
But now my pillow has ears to listen and mouth to console..

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I'm glad i left everything to God... He knows what's best for me....
He denied me many things to give me something great...
I'll always be grateful to Him for that... Always.....

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i miss them or they miss me...

Today i dreamt of my grandpa and grandma..... Usually when i dream of ppl who are no more in reality, it would be like as if they are alive in the dream... Means i will be talking and interacting with them in such a way that they are alive and well...

But today, it was different. I saw my grandpa. He was looking younger and healthier than he was when he was towards his last days...
When i saw him, i immediately realized that he's not alive actually... yet i was not afraid, in fact, i felt happy that i could see him again. I asked him somethings like how he is.. and so on... and he was talking to me casually and in a very easy manner "i'm fine dear" etc....
When he was alive, he never spoke to me like that... he never expressed his affection for us children... =)
And then i asked how grandma was and he said she was fine and someother things ... which i cant remember... and then i wished i could see grandma..
And suddenly, grandpa faded out of focus and grandma replaced him... I felt really happy and i spoke to her for sometime...She was also looking much healthier and younger than when i last saw her alive..
i cant remember much of what i spoke to her.... And then i woke up....................

I guess dreams are one big blessing for us humans.................. we get to see ppl and things that we truly wish to see..... without having to depend on any other technological device..

I dont know if this dream means i miss them or they miss me.....
i've got no idea...

But whatever it is, i'm happy that i got to see them.....

The Fish

Sometimes i just get fed up of myself..........!!! *ouch*!! (*^*%^%#^%&

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Recently, uncle brought a big, live fish for us.... It had been almost 1/2 an hour out of water and it still had life in it... Finally he had to break its neck to kill it................................... ermm.... yea... >.<!

Well.. that's not the point. The point is, it reminded me of those days back during my childhood when he used to bring lots of fresh water fish to our old house... It was a wonderous  sight for me and my cousin.

And it also reminded me of my grandma.... How i wish she was here right now.... She was one person who really wished to see me get married....... In fact, that was the last thing she said to me.... when i last met her alive...

While cooking, when i opened the bottle of tamarind, the smell of it brought back some other nostalgic memories of about 12+ years back....
I used to go to a distant neighbour's house together with my next house neighbour to bring fresh milk home.
And on the way, there was a tamarind tree and most of the time, we used to pick good, unopened tamarind off the ground and have it on the way to and fro.... I still remember the sweet old times i spent with that chechi and her 2 sisters....


Its surprising how a fish can bring so much memories............... =D
So this post is dedicated to the Fish which brought me back to my good old past and, of course, darn tasty it was! =D

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ouch!

I guess i spoke too soon.........................................................................


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*ouch* !

increasing heat

Sometimes i've wondered what those lovey-dovey couples speak over the phone for hours.. =D

I mean.... i've mostly believed in this.... "speak when you're spoken to" and "speak only if/when its necessary"............................ not anymore i guess.....

Sometimes certain changes in life make u realise that what u thought u learnt in life, was all rubbish! =D! And the above mentioned is one of them... 

I was a kind of a person where by i would look for my phone only when someone calls me.... or else i wouldn't even know where my phone is..................... and the maximum time spent speaking over the phone was 10 mins.... lol... 

After breaking the record of 1.5 hours, i realized u can speak for hours without anything in particular...

After disconnecting the phone, when i thought about what was spoken, i couldnt remember much.....

But i guess that's what communication is... Its not about what was spoken, but what was understood. 

I guess i'm starting to like communicating... 

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Lots of trees are cut down along the road in my place..... due to the widening of the road.... and i can actually feel the heat..... All these while, i simply wrote essays and talked about deforestation and its consequences and all but now i'm literally experiencing it... When traveling in bus, i can feel the warm air... even the wind is hot... The last time i felt this was in Madras long time back...

If cutting down this small number of trees make such great difference, just imagine what felling of a large area of forest will do to the global temperature of the world!

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Change

Have i changed?.... Do i feel any change?.... Am i supposed to change?......
=)
I dont know .....I don't know....... and....... of course, i dont know....

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Now my number of family members have increased...... It has doubled actually.....
All these while, my parents and relatives kept in contact with each other and i was part of it and i didnt have to make any special effort to maintain the good relationship with them...... but now.... it is I who should take the initiative.... And all this is really new to me....... And i have absolutely no idea how i'm going to do that......
If i were an out going and out spoken person, it wouldn't have been as difficult i guess....


But i have a feeling that everything will be alright..... i hope it will................................... =)

eye opener!

I guess finally its starting to sink in.......... that i am going to get engaged...
All these while, when ppl would ask me about the engagement, i would say... yea... he's from so and so place and working as this and so on...... But  never did it occurred to me that there were only about 10+ more days for me to get engaged... yea.. me..... not anyone else but me......................
All these while, it was like happening to someone else....... but ........... no.....

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Going shopping for engagement dress made me realize how alienated i was from fashion and trends...
I know what looks good and what's supposed to be worn and what the latest trend is and all...... but imagining it on me!!??..... no way!
I felt sick.... literally sick..... when i saw all the heavy, glittery, stoned, shiny apparel!....
I'm not exaggerating but after looking though about 5-6 types of clothes i could feel my stomach turning into a knot and felt like throwing up......
What do i do??... How can i escape from this???....
I wonder if there is any kind of phobia of this....... extreme fear of wearing shiny/stoned/glittery clothes.. And if i'm suffering from it!..... 'cos this fear and uneasiness is unexplainable..

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I've got soooooo much things to do that i have no idea what to do........................
If i stay at home, its not gonna happen......  if i go to work, it will never happen....... I dont know whom to talk to....... well...... i dont know what to talk/ask in the 1st place......
Feeling confused..................... very confused!

I guess its time again for me to find solace in God.....
If no one else is there...... God is and has always been there for me...... =)

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Rain

I've always liked the Rain... but now i think i've fallen in love with the rain.
In the past i used to enjoy the rain only in the comfort of my house. I used to get irritated when i have to travel in the rain, especially with wet umbrella and wet clothes in a crowded bus and all..
But now i dont mind it.. In fact, i love it. Maybe its 'cos i get lots of opportunities to walk in the rain nowadays.

The sound of rain rhythmically falling on the umbrella... The misty droplets of water on my face... The (clear) water gushing past my feet.. The 'splashy' sound it makes when i walk on a large puddle of water...
Sometimes when there aren't anyone around, i stretch my hands to the edge of the umbrella to catch the rain water running down the sides. Many a times, i had wished to walk in the rain without an umbrella.. Well.. i guess its not possible... at least for now... =D!..

The sound of the rain... The sight of the rain... everything makes me go all twinkly inside.
 One of my favourite songs..........

Yet another dream..

Yup as the title suggests...Yet another dream...
That my hometown(K**i**r) had a volcanic eruption... i know i know... its absurd but that 's what i dreamt! Have got no idea why...

I was carrying my cousin's child (in reality she has got no children.. LOL) and i was standing at a big barren ground (in reality there really is a ground at that place). And all of a sudden, the volcanoes erupted ... 2 of them actually... and i was panic struck.. My first thought was .. omg i must get him to his mother.. and hope they;re safe and all... and i ran towards their house ... when i was half way i realized i had left my brother back there... and i was devastated!... and then somethings happened .. cant remember what...
Then reached aunt's house and all were panicking and we could see lava slowly flowing down the volcano's wall.
We all got into a car and were recklessly driving to a safer place..... and of all ppl the driver had to be............................................... LOL! No it was not me!... =D!

When i woke up, after the hangover of the dream faded, i was literally laughing out loud... But it was definitely not something to be laughed at in the dream..


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What's wrong with me?... Just cant seem to concentrate.. Mind's wandering and the worst part is i don't even realize it..... Need lots and lots and lots of luck to pass this exam!!... Wonder if they allow sup paper for this ... really hope they do... oh God!


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You know that empty feeling you have and you've got no idea why..
The feeling just creeps up to you and grabs you and throws you down the abyss and you just fall..... forever... not knowing when or where you'd land..
Do i really have no idea why?... maybe i do...
and the endless battle of IFs and WHYs and HOWs in my mind ... and finally all 3 loses the battle and i just sit there and wonder.... why do i even bother for Heaven's sake!

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A person who reads my blog may not understand a single thing about what i'm talking about.... neither do i.......

an unproductive day...

Today was totally, completely, utterly, an unproductive day..
Woke up with bad dream again..... i dreamt that i fell into a well.... a very deep on... not once but twice...
Once i fell into the well accidentally/unknowingly and second, i did that on purpose. It was scary... But somehow i surfaced and came out... or was it someone threw in rope for me??.... i dont know... i cant remember...  This blog is becoming more like a Dream Log Book.

Didnt study anything today... i have no idea how i'm going to pass the exam!...

Feeling dejected.. completely down in the dumps! ... i'm doing this to myself i guess... reading sad posts and when it relates to my life, i brood over it... I need to get away from here asap!!.... or i need to get back to my drawing/ painting/ sketching/ shading.... whatever!!.... i just need to get my mind out of this s***!!

I guess i'll get over it... somehow... like i always did..............................................

a sad dream...

I had a dream today... i really disturbing one...
It goes like this... alot of things had happened before this but this is the part where i remember quite vividly.
My grandma and i were walking along a street or something.. and it was night time and there was a lot of people around.. there was some carnival or something.. and my grandma was holding the hand of a child almost about 3-4 year old. The child looked....well..=( he looked like a really burnt child. Almost burnt to his bones... one of his hands had no palm... and it was like almost burnt to the bones with just a thin layer of white flesh cover it... and his face was also in the same condition... I took once glance at him and looked away as i could not bear the sight and didn't want to break down.
He was trying to tiptoe to see the things around as there were people standing in front of him blocking his view. Then i asked him, "Do you want to see?" (In my language) and he nodded. So i picked him up and carried him in my arms.
He was so happy and was looking around and laughing! At that point of time, when i saw him how happy he was even with his condition this way, i couldn't bear it anymore... i hid my face behind a pole nearby and started weeping... uncontrollably.... Then my grandma came nearby... she didn't say anything... she just put her hands on my shoulder and consoled me..  'Cos of me crying, my nose was blocked and not being able to breath woke me up i guess.
It was a very sad dream... not sure y... but i guess its connected the event that happened day before that made me have this dream. My aunt had to go through an abortion the day before. But i didn't know it had affected me this much..
I've heard somewhere that dreams are what our subconscious mind is trying to tell us.
Most of the time i wont be able to remember the dreams 'cos i'll be literally jumping out of the bed everyday =D!...
But its interesting... to have the dreams interpreted and to know what it means and all.. =)

Me in SG...........

Its has been 5 days since i came to SG. And on the second day itself, i felt like going back to my dear old K.  Not that SG is a bad place... Its great, infact.... but blame it on my "Sense-of-Belonging" attitude.

Back home, i yearned for some free time... with extremely packed and busy situations, i wished for some time for me to sit quietly and take deep breaths.. but now that's all i do............ just breathing!!
Totally, completely, utterly bored!
Wakes up late... have breakfast... turns on comp (FB)...shower... have lunch...back on FB...have dinner...sleep.
The next day the whole cycle repeats itself.
Upon seeing how bored i was, the chechi here gave me some books... 3 to be exact. "You are Here" (which i have finished reading), "The Winner Stands Alone" by Paulo Coelho (author of The Alchemist) and "Day after Tomorrow.
One eve, i went to meet my friends... which is the only thing that makes me want to come back to SG. It was great... The 3 of us... again... just like old times... but Sha had to leave early.. Fel and I went to Pizza Hut and had Pizza while catching up on our lives.

Well, has Singapore changed??.. no, not really... The same kind of ppl, same kind of service (which is good of course), as usual.. great variety of food... (yum yum yummy) Hehe!!

The only thing that has changed is the ppl here and their obsessions with their phone. When i boarded the bus one day, it was quite crowded, and when i looked around, i saw that more than 2 thirds of the people were engrossed in their phone.. and tabs mostly.. some were watching videos... some were texting.. and most of them were playing Candy Crush!.. This seems to be the obsession of the people here nowadays. One lady was soooo into her phone that she almost missed her bus stop and when the bus door was almost closing, she rushed to the exit and pressed the bell and the driver opened the door for her again..=D!!
And on the way back, in MRT (Train), in my compartment, almost all the seats were occupied and only I and another guy was not having a phone in our hands, the rest were all swiping away!...

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It has been a long time since i felt lonely...  guess it has been inside me all along... waiting for the perfect opportunity to jump out and gobble me whole... thriving by feeding on my memories of past bad experiences!
As i saw in some FB post, its possible for a person to be surrounded by a whole lot of people and yet feel lonely. At the same time, its possible for a lucky few to be all alone yet feel completely content with themselves.
Its possible for a person to have everything yet have nothing... and for some they have nothing but they seem to have everything..
During the train journey to the Airport in Cochin, there was a halt and the train was stopped for a some time in some place.. I saw 2 young kids.. maybe around 12-14. They were nomadic kids, dressed shabbily and with unclean appearance. The boy had got a Styrofoam board in his hand and he was spinning it horizontally with his finger without letting it fall onto the ground. He had the expression that he was doing something which no one in the world would be able to do it. He was happy... truly happy.. I could see that in his eyes and his smile.. And there was a girl beside him...could be his sister or his friend.. whatever it maybe.. She was standing there in awe of what the boy was doing.. she was simply enjoying it... not snatching it away from him.. not mocking him... simply enjoying the sight of it.... Simply hugging a post nearby, leaning on it and  letting life bring her where she was meant to go... And we call them underprivileged!

Too long of a post... =P... But feels good to finally be able to write something good that stays in my memory for sometimes...

fashion?

Dont know if i'm sneaking back into my old shell or am i.............................................
I'm starting to hate attending parties and functions..... Not that i like it much in the past but nowadays its just not bearable.. Girls are expected to be completely dolled up and wrapped in glittery sparkly attire... like a walking jewelry shop! Relatives of my age turning (extra) fashionable makes it even more unbearable for me.. Dont get me wrong.. i'm perfectly fine with them beautifying themselves... but that's going to create a comparison...  Its not my fault that i'm not comfortable with loud coloured ,sparkly attire..
Ppl seriously need an awareness programme on this issue... i've seen some going to a funeral house as if they were going for a wedding function... They are simply obsessed about dressing and the perception of others...

The Clouds and a beautiful day...

I wonder if anyone has noticed the clouds recently. Recently, as in, for the past 2 days. Its almost fantasy like... Big, thick, fluffy, absolute...pure white! Its just plain beautiful! It distinctly stands out in the bright blue sky.
This afternoon, while travelling in the bus, i could notice nothing but this pure beauty of nature. With the rain clouds giving the white part a little bit of a grey shade, it made it all better. Like a renowned artist who did his final touch up which makes it priceless.  At a certain point of time during the journey, i could not help whispering the words "Oh God" at the absolute beauty of the sky! I couldnt be bothered if people had seen me staring at the sky and whispering things to myself... I was simply awed by the sight! Through out the one-and-a-half-hour journey,  i was immersed in the captivating beauty of nature.. The sea, the wind blowing against my face, the clouds....................
Just look at it. Nature's magic can be seen everywhere... that is if you take the trouble to look carefully.
Nature is amazing. With no alteration of adulteration, it manages to stay beautiful..... just beautiful!
And at night, when i looked up at the sky, i saw stars.... beautiful sparklers! Diamond studs!
I guess, today, i got a little attached to Mother Nature... Dont know why...  Reminds me of a beautiful song... One of my all time favourites...

 

least expected....

....The affect is adverse when things happen from places least expected....

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Sometimes thinking in a calm environment makes us see a situation in a totally different perspective...

Here i was blaming and blaming and blaming... and in the end it was i who should really be  blamed... 


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Everything happens for a reason..... or does it??... Am i letting it happen??... Could it have happened otherwise??? Did i choose this?... Was this for the better??.... or was it for the worse??....

When would this veil of confusion clear from my life?? Why have i not accepted that this is my life!? Could it be that there is something better for me??... Is this all worth it??



*********************** Happy New Year ***********************

My first post in 2013 and it had to start this way... =(

Anyways, me telling myself... "everything's gonna be alright in the end..." If its not alright, its not the end....
Well its never going to end! =D!