My favorite house and my light is no more

 I lost my grandmother............

I knew it was coming but it was a little too abrupt. 

Should i have left when they called the day before? I said, "let's wait"... did i make a mistake by waiting a night?...

Did i make a mistake by sleeping for another hour more?

'cos if i had not, i would have been able to see her while she still had life in her body. 

'cos...... I reached just behind her... just as she(her body) reached the court yard, i was right behind her....

should I not have waited....? Should I not have slept an hour longer...?

She was the light of my childhood. The only person who spoke about the positives that happened with me/to me/by me in my childhood. 

She was me and I was her. We could communicate telepathically. I have not told anyone. And I'm absolutely positively sure that we had that kind of connection once. Even she didn't know it.

May be because we are of the same frequency or maybe we have the same neurodivergence .

My mother used to comment about me to my grandma : Amma, she has all your dirty(she meant bad) traits, she would say. 

I hate taking head baths so does(did) she... but only I understand why head baths are a big discomfort... the long (I inherited her long, thick, healthy hair... which is in a terrible condition now because of my neglect) hair.. its difficulty in oiling it and then washing it with the head down and then drying it... everything makes our head dizzy and overall, exhausted by the end of the ordeal of bath. To top it off, the discomfort we feel to have wet hair hang on our back with water that drips down no matter how much we dry it with cloth. We both probably had sensory issues.... I guess.. 

Its just one of the similarities we had. 

Balance issue is another thing. She had ear and eye balance issue. She couldn't look and concentrate on small items for too long. It would trigger her headache/migraine. So do I. 

She had obsessive thoughts so do I. Apparently, grandpa used to tell her, "why do you keep walking here and there instead of doing/completing something" when they get ready to go somewhere. I absolutely understand that because I know that thousand and one things are running through our mind at that time and whatever we see at that time stimulates our brain we end up starting it and leaves it unfinished and gets triggered by something else. 

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My favorite place of my childhood, my favorite house is no more. 

I absolutely detest going to the house right now... I still half expect or hope that she will be there looking at me coming over and me going to that house and holding her hand.  

I cried for the past 2 days. But today, I'm not crying anymore. Have I forgotten her so easily?... Why do I not feel like crying? She is still in my mind... Would she be upset that I'm not walking over to that house? I just have to hop over to that house from uncle's house but I'm here at my uncle's house more than over there... I just don't feel like going over .. I feel absolutely alone over there even though a lot of people are there. And i don't know if I'll be able to go to my grandma's house ever again. At least, if i had a good relationship with my mother, there was a chance of me going back again but ....... even that link is lost. 

The only person whom I still wish to see is my father. And i guess i would come back to see him........... Well, i guess i have always come back and i would always come back. 

A game of snake and ladder....

 I feel like i'm being eaten up from the inside. I just don't know how to continue anymore. For the past 3 days, I'm back to doom-scrolling. I can't sleep at night... aimless scrolling until 2am...3am.. waking up at 6 - 6.30 am.. sending my kid to school.... going back to sleep again at 9-10 am... waking up again after an hour or 2.... binge eating.... but i don't consume in large amount also.... just chuck in whatever is there edible in the kitchen....

The worst part................. I'm lasing out on my poor kid............................................... :( 

I start initiating things... but it doesn't materialize..... somehow somethings or the other happens and it just doesn't take shape...... 

I thought of taking up Montessori Teachers Training course .... nope.. didnt happen.. 

I thought of doing Mandala art / Zentangle art and creating an Instagram page of it .... I have the timelapse videos of those work i have done.... nope... didn't happen....

I thought of joining Bharathanatyam class while my daughter attends Karate class but no... the class timings doesn't coincide... so ....... nope... didn't happen... 

My husband have been telling me to start learning stock marketing so it's an extra income while I am at home.... First of all... I have no idea about this field... second, i have absolutely no interest in it........ every time this conversation starts between us, i go quiet... the reason i go quiet is because i just dont know how to explain it to him..... that how difficult it is for me to learn a new thing which is not even of my slightest interest and even if i were to start learning, i would undergo a loooot of stress and it's going to make my already messed up brain of mine even worse... when these thousand and one things are going through my mind, just one more activity is going to topple me over... I know what i would have to go through and I'm absolutely terrified of it.... In the past, all i had to do was bear it alone.... just burn and melt inside... no one knew and no one had to know.... but now i can't afford to do that... I have brought a child into this world and I have to make sure that my insane state of mind doesn't affect her. 

It's like a vicious circle... i want to do something... but something physically or emotionally or mentally stops me from doing that... i go into an anxiety phase... it affects my family life... i feel guilty about letting it affect my family life.... my crying spell starts... i go into a frenzy mode of either cleaning up/ organizing the house...or initiating some of the above listed things and it feels good for a couple of days... but when that doesn't get completed, the whole cycle gets repeated and i go back to square one. And then i just freeze.... i go into a frozen mode... 

 This has been my life for the past 7 plus years... How do i explain these things to someone who hasn't gone through it or to someone who doesn't want to understand it...... 

I have tried medications... it seems to work but i cant afford of take the medicines and lie in bed... I have people depending on me..... i need to be up and about.... 

I feel like i'm being tried by invisible ropes all over my body and being pulled from all over the sides..

It's been so long since i wrote.... usually, it used to make me feel better... but no... i still feel terrible and i still have tears rolling down my eyes for the past 45 plus minutes... 

parenting

 

I just saw this post and it struck me real hard. I had a little talk and cry after so long with someone today talking to her made me feel better. 

This picture speaks volumes about me.

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My feelings are not manifesting into words right now.....................

Maybe another time............

The 'Wall' I built...

 It's 6.15am on a Friday.

I have someone in the kitchen making breakfast and lunch - yea a cook. 

I was correcting one of my students' essay and suddenly I had this urge to open my longtime-not touched-blog of mine! The essay was so overwhelmingly bad and I guess I just wanted to talk to someone or write something to .... well..... I don't know.... vent how terrible the essay is?.....  

In one hour's time, I'm gonna have to wake my daughter up and get her ready for school. Sometimes I feel like I have the best life anyone could imagine. I mean, my better half kind of makes life so much easier for me. I have someone to help me with the household so that I am not overwhelmed trying to juggle my work and taking care of our kid. Sometimes I feel like I'm not appreciating him enough. I'm not sure if I match up to his expectations.. I very much doubt so. 

Nowadays this empty feeling has crept inside me again. This hollow feeling inside is making me angry and frustrated and I realize I am taking it out on my child for the past 3 - 4 days. 

I am back to crying myself to sleep at times. (had'nt had his for quite sometime now). 

Sometimes when I have this feeling of emptiness and frustration, you know what I imagine myself doing?... I literally want to thrush my hand into my chest, pull out whatever it is that's making me have this feeling and throw it out so damn far away into the ocean! 

There's so much more to write that I don't know what to write. 

You know what's missing in my life? A friend. A friend/ few good friends. Someone whom I could call up whenever I need a listening ear. Someone who's cribs I would listen to whenever they need me. Someone who would listen to me without judgement. Someone whom I can give advice(if needed) without being called a know-it-all. Someone to have fun with, without any inhibitions and awkwardness. 

But I know that would never happen in this lifetime. You see, I have trust issues. I cant seem to trust anyone. I always feel that they would hurt me and leave me one day so I never let anyone know me completely. Even if I get to know someone and I feel that we can connect on a certain level, the moment something negative happens between us or the moment we have a disagreement, I kind of build an invisible wall around me to keep everyone out. This 'wall' has gotten so high that it's almost impossible for me to climb out of it now. I have always felt that I make better friends with the male gender. Maybe because of my lack of interest in drama and politics (not the ideological politics) and gossips. It's just that I could connect with their mentality and way of thinking. But I guess I was afraid what people around would say about a girl with friends of the opposite gender...? 

All my life it has been about others. What do they want me to be... what would they say... what would make them happy/sad/angry... 

It was only after I got married that I realized I had a voice and opinions which I could make it clear to others. I've always had opinions about everything but never had the confidence to voice it out, or rather, I was shut up. 

I thought I could have a best friend in my husband but I guess the 'wall' I built was so high that even he couldn't get in. 

It's almost 7.30am. The hollow feeling is still there but the crying seem to have made me feel a little better. Got to go and start the Day!!

A painful loss - Covid19

I lost my grand uncle to covid19 today. It was a shock. Not even in my wildest dream did i think that i would lose someone this close. I was numb when my husband told me the news. It just couldn't sink in. Even now as i write, it doesn't strike as a reality at all....

I had seen him the last time i went to native. He had come over to see me and my daughter. He was one of those few people who whole heartedly loved me. He was a stroke survivor. Paralysed... yet able to walk with a walking stick.

I came here to write so that I can clear my heart of this pain........... but nothing is coming out............ I just feel weak................................... numb.......................................

Mr Insomnia Strikes again!

 Yea.. I had insomnia yesterday night. I didn't get a shut eye yesterday night.

I was tossing and turning it got so bad i got up and went to the next room to sleep. Nope .. didn't work. Came back.. took out my phone and stared reading somethings... nope, didn't work.. started playing game.. This is how i sleep most of the time. I use my phone to stop my mind from wandering. I either read something or play a game. Slowly i'll drift to sleep and when my phone falls off from my hand i would keep it away and sleep. But yesterday nothing worked. So ended up playing until 6.30 am and then got up and started making breakfast. Around 8am I came and lied down on the sofa and then i fell asleep. 

It's been a really long time since i had insomnia. Considering my days now i guess this was just assumable. oh well.........

yea yea.. another distress release post

 It's been a long time... so time to release my pent up emotions.

My overwhelmed emotion got so bad this time that i had to look for a therapist online.

It all started 5-6 days back. Idon't know why but i just had this intense feeling of congestion in my chest/stomach area.. not the physical kind of congestion but i just felt like some kind of force/tension in that area. I could literally feel it ... damn it!  

The next day it was something else altogether. It was anger. Extreme anger for God knows what. I had never experienced this much of anger for so long. I was throwing utensils around in the kitchen. Just the sight of unclean things irked me. The house was in a mess. My toddler was adding to the mess. The emotion was mounting so bad that yesterday i started shouting and venting my frustration on my poor child. Every time i lost my temper with my child i would cry with guilt. I was basically crying the whole day. 

In the afternoon, after a bout of crying spells, i decided to look for a therapist / psychologist online right then and there. (I couldn't let my child be a victim of my extreme emotions ) I found one. Booked an appointment at 7pm in the evening. It was a chat session. I decided to do a chat session because i know i wouldn't be able to talk as half the session i would be crying. This way (chat) i could cry and communicate at the same time. It was helpful to a certain extend. I had someone to listen to. Its like i had to pay someone 900Rs to listen to me for 40minutes. I'm gonna have to start working so that i can earn to pay someone to listen to my problems. Wow!

Well, she is the one who suggested that i start writing (again). Apparently these emotions built up over days/months/years makes us feel this way and something may trigger it and this is what usually ends in crying spells and stuff. 

I kind of have an idea what triggered it. Well, at least i think so. 

For the past 1 week, i have been reading articles from The Straits Times (a news paper in Singapore) about the Covid 19 spread in India. Its not the article that affected me but the comments that i saw for that article. The horrendous comments about India, its people, its government....... just broke my heart. 

Apparently a few people from India who had gone to Singapore have been found to be covid positive. Again the heinous comments started pouring in. We were irresponsible, apparently, we were taking up the jobs of the locals.. we were taking the whole of our village there and ................................ i don't think i want to go on..... 

These kind of comments just made me so angry. I mean is this what these people had in their minds all along.....about us Indians? There was one comment that said after infesting Singapore, Indians are looking for greener pastures like Europe. What the hell man.... I'm not the patriotic kind but this just made me almost topple the table over. I'm glad i left that place for heaven's sake!!

*Sigh* I feel like i got a load off my chest.... My therapist was right. I really need to start writing again.. To escape from this loneliness and this mundane life. I guess i only have myself to rely on. No one else and nothing else. 

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On another note, I kind of have some ideas sparking in my mind. I think i might act on it soon. =)!! 

Good luck to me! 

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I don't know if anyone reads my blog... If someone does, I'm sorry for the depressing posts.. This is my outlet to vent my feelings.