Love is too pure to be connected to any relationship

I know life wouldn't turn out exactly the way you want it, but.. come on.. at least close to it??
I am sick and tired of everything now. When i say everything, i mean every single thing. I just dread waking up now. May be i'm just going through a bad phase in life........... am i??..... When the heck have i ever gone through a good FREAKING phase?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!? Oh God!!!

Now i'm sick of complaining too....


I want to write something nice.... Actually, just a while ago, an old song just started playing in my mind. It brought back some memories. But then..... It some how kind of connected me to my daughter in the end...... You know, love shouldn't be attached to any relationship it should be left on its own. Its just too pure to be connected to any relationship. The feeling of love is so pure, so God like.

Yea.. my daughter is beautiful..
Yea.. she drops nectar from her lips at times.. Haha!
Yea.. Yea she jiggles her bangles and she talks like that too... 😍
Oh God i love my daughter! 😘

my toddler and me on a bad, bad day

I've heard that having a toddler makes you go haywire and that you are prone to frequent meltdowns. Well, now i'm experiencing it and its swallowing me whole!

The moment my husband stepped into the house from work today, i told him , " There's the tea on the table and dont call me for half an hour"! without even waiting for a reply i came into the bedroom and locked myself in. And here i am "bleeding" from the eyes and typing away!!

Its a mixture of feelings actually.... worthlessness, guilt, sadness, anger, remorse ......

The worst part is the feeling after screaming at my poor child... i mean its not her fault. That's how toddlers are supposed to be. Spilling things, making a mess, having frequent accidents, falling off and tipping over often.. but at that fraction of a second i just lose it.
What makes it unbearable is not having anyone to crib about it with.. someone who has time... someone who doesn't judge... someone to just listen to what i'm saying and just hold my hand.

Maybe i'm just having a bad day.... Maybe its my PMS.... Maybe.... i dont know... maybe i'm just being me........

Here comes the prediction!

Well, apparently I may turn lunatic in my old age it seems!!  At least according to some people!
I don't know if I should laugh or feel pity for ..... them.
Actually, when I come to think of it, I really wonder how I have not turned lunatic yet.. hmm.
Her grandmother was a person who spoke very less who later on turned mentally unstable in the old age..  wow.. what a comparison!

Right now, I'm in a state where if I hadn't had my daughter I would be dead. 😭
And I would make sure I would write their name in my suicide letter and make them die of guilt!!


..................


No. I would not do anything. I know I won't. If I were to , it would already have happened. :(

Some gaps are never meant to be filled

https://www.momspresso.com/parenting/mandavi-jaiswal/article/seasonal-love?fbclid=IwAR3FxpuJPWJvvZ1opnSPDwqd1x_l5rjrGpaZwemzEHQSMNLbjHt-wU0MwDU

Spot on!
Seems like it was written specifically for me.

I guess I'm not alone.
Some gaps are never meant to be filled.
And I can't do anything much about it.

Burning burning... :(

https://www.theladders.com/career-advice/how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist-5-secrets-backed-by-research?utm_campaign=keywee_cpc_intl&utm_content=how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist-5-secrets-&kwp_0=1124090&kwp_4=3636841&kwp_1=1521780&fbclid=IwAR25qDzcpSjF_4ZLPWRFEIYNXH55EpItY9VToCft5cHS0W2LHpFxPGEezvE

I wish I could show this to some people.

**********

It feels like I'm burning inside. I have to keep a pleasant outlook out side but somehow my face shows the fire in me. I don't like it...I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know who to go to for help. It's tearing me apart emotionally. It's kind of affecting my family life.

I want to get out of here. To where? I don't know.
No matter where i go, I'm still me. I can't escape from myself, can I?

I'm getting engulfed in negativity. I can feel it. I need to break free somehow. I need help.

I need to get back to praying. I've lost my connection with God. I've lost my spiritual side. I need to get back to it.
God was there for me when everyone else had forsaken me. It's time, i guess, to find solace in God.
😢

Flung back to the past...

Heart feels really heavy.
I feel like giving up. I really feel like giving up.
But I know I won't.

*********
I started this post with a shattered heart around 4 hours ago. Now I'm at ease... I believe.

It's heart wreaking to hear that I'm lucky that my daughter turned out to be like her dad. 
No, I'm fine with her being like her dad. But to hear it with that tone and indirect insult it's extremely painful.

I came here 2 weeks ago with a believe in myself that what I'm doing for my daughter is fine. Not perfect but fine. But right now, I'm the old low self esteemed being i once used to be.
Just some time back, i mechanically did what I was told to do even though i knew it wouldn't work. I felt like a puppet again.
Until around 5 hours back, i had only done what I thought was right and would work.
Until 5 hours back, i didn't care about what they would  think of me or how they would react if I didn't follow their instructions.

Now i do.
With just one sentence, they have managed to fling me back to the past and bury me in the old state of mind.

Now I feel nothing. Just tears flowing out of my eyes.
I'm at ease... I believe.

At sacred grove after a long time..

I thought I should write it out today itself.
I went to the sacred grove near my house. P*r*i Kavu.
It was near my paternal uncle's house. So we went there and went to the sacred grove and had food from uncle's house. Alot of relatives were there. I hadn't met them for a long time. It was nice. It was especially nice for my daughter. She had a great time with everyone especially the kids.
This reminded me of my paternal grandmother. The last time i went to the sacred grove was when she was alive.
I miss her at times. I wish she could have seen my daughter.

Frustrations of a senior citizen

No , i didn't make fried rice. *Sigh* forget it..
But I did make banana fritters. It was ok.

---------------

I kind of understand why most of the older /senior citizens are cranky and agitated all the time.

Its the frustration of having lived and done the same freaking things for soooo freaking long time!!

I have had enough of living for 30 years... I can't even imagine 60/70 years!

You see, as you age, your body starts giving up . You cant do things that you used to do easily. You will have to depend on others at times. They might not be able to help you at that point of time. This might make you feel dejected and make you feel that you have become a burden to others.
To make yourself feel better and to deny the fact that you are aging and losing the control of your body, you will start doing things that you find difficult physically and resist every help you get from other able bodied people. The more people tell you to not do back- breakin work, the more you do it.
Tada!! You have become a cranky old senior citizen. ☺ My grandma 😍

I don't know what kind of an old woman I'm gonna turn into. 😊

Drama ....

I never thought I would have to face or experience drama  in my life. Well, i did or rather , i do now.
It has been there for sometime but I didn't really care or bother much about it until recently. But now it's getting really bad and intolerable. ( I don't know if such a word exist) 🤔

The overdramatic, manipulative narcissist. I'm sorry , 😢 but it's making my life a living hell.

On a lighter note, I'm craving for some tastey food. I'm thinking of making fried rice tomorrow. Let's see how it will turn out.

Nasty nasty me...

I feel like I'm turning into a nasty person.
A selfish , self-centered, uncaring , ruthless human being. I feel like the only thing that matters to me now is my daughter.

I don't give a damn about other people or other relationships that would compromise my daughter's health , safety or happiness.

I don't know how healthy it is for me or for my future. I'm starting to get concerned about it. But I can't help it.
I'm turning into an evil , nasty , malicious witch in the eyes of others.

I miss......

It has been years since I touched the blog.
I miss writing. I miss ..... Well , i don't know.. i just miss things now.. i dont know what.
My last post was dedicated to my husband after one year of marriage. It's been 5 years. And now I'm back to writing my feelings out.
I guess our honeymoon phase is over. :)

A year ago, we were blessed with a little angel . A darling she is. Now I understand why I overcame all my hurdles and obstacles and depressions in life. The reason I stayed alive. It was to see her.