It's 6.15am on a Friday.
I have someone in the kitchen making breakfast and lunch - yea a cook.
I was correcting one of my students' essay and suddenly I had this urge to open my longtime-not touched-blog of mine! The essay was so overwhelmingly bad and I guess I just wanted to talk to someone or write something to .... well..... I don't know.... vent how terrible the essay is?.....
In one hour's time, I'm gonna have to wake my daughter up and get her ready for school. Sometimes I feel like I have the best life anyone could imagine. I mean, my better half kind of makes life so much easier for me. I have someone to help me with the household so that I am not overwhelmed trying to juggle my work and taking care of our kid. Sometimes I feel like I'm not appreciating him enough. I'm not sure if I match up to his expectations.. I very much doubt so.
Nowadays this empty feeling has crept inside me again. This hollow feeling inside is making me angry and frustrated and I realize I am taking it out on my child for the past 3 - 4 days.
I am back to crying myself to sleep at times. (had'nt had his for quite sometime now).
Sometimes when I have this feeling of emptiness and frustration, you know what I imagine myself doing?... I literally want to thrush my hand into my chest, pull out whatever it is that's making me have this feeling and throw it out so damn far away into the ocean!
There's so much more to write that I don't know what to write.
You know what's missing in my life? A friend. A friend/ few good friends. Someone whom I could call up whenever I need a listening ear. Someone who's cribs I would listen to whenever they need me. Someone who would listen to me without judgement. Someone whom I can give advice(if needed) without being called a know-it-all. Someone to have fun with, without any inhibitions and awkwardness.
But I know that would never happen in this lifetime. You see, I have trust issues. I cant seem to trust anyone. I always feel that they would hurt me and leave me one day so I never let anyone know me completely. Even if I get to know someone and I feel that we can connect on a certain level, the moment something negative happens between us or the moment we have a disagreement, I kind of build an invisible wall around me to keep everyone out. This 'wall' has gotten so high that it's almost impossible for me to climb out of it now. I have always felt that I make better friends with the male gender. Maybe because of my lack of interest in drama and politics (not the ideological politics) and gossips. It's just that I could connect with their mentality and way of thinking. But I guess I was afraid what people around would say about a girl with friends of the opposite gender...?
All my life it has been about others. What do they want me to be... what would they say... what would make them happy/sad/angry...
It was only after I got married that I realized I had a voice and opinions which I could make it clear to others. I've always had opinions about everything but never had the confidence to voice it out, or rather, I was shut up.
I thought I could have a best friend in my husband but I guess the 'wall' I built was so high that even he couldn't get in.
It's almost 7.30am. The hollow feeling is still there but the crying seem to have made me feel a little better. Got to go and start the Day!!
