It was a struggle to wake up: Deepika Padukone on suffering from depression - Hindustan Times
Good Read. Well, not the fact that Deepika suffered from depression but the fact that she acknowledges it and does, or rather, did something about it.
It reminded me of the time i had gone through depression. Those memories still haunts me once in a while.
I've heard that sometimes causes of depression are unknown but you know what i think? I think there are definitely underlying causes.
Sometimes i get depressed for days because i accidentally added too much salt in food. I know! This is your reaction, "What?! For adding too much salt?? Are you crazy? It happens to everyone once in a while!"
Well, you see, when you look at the thought process, you would understand it much better.
*adds too much salt*
My thoughts : Oh Sh**!
My husband had had hypertension problem earlier. He's not going to like it now. He may not get agitated over it but he would only have very little food today.
He's going to come back from a long, hard day at work. He may be looking forward for a nice, healthy meal at home. If i cant even provide that, what kind of a wife am i??
Yeah, i'm proving many of my family and friends right. They had said that the guy who marries me is going to be the most unlucky person ever.
I had never done anything right.
I am not able to keep my home clean and tidy all the time like how i want it to be. I am not even able to take care of myself.
And i am expected to have a baby?? I cant even take care of my husband, home and myself! Should i bring an innocent being into this world to let it suffer in my arms? I would never make a good mother! (Oh, by the way, i am not a baby-making-machine to pop babies out when ever they want it! My husband and i would decide when to have a baby!)
i had always craved for affection during my teen years. The time when i needed someone the most. My father was there at times. And my uncle was there at times too. But they had limitations. Not only did i not get affection from the person i craved to get from the most, but also she tore my confidence apart and crushed my self esteem. Well, she didn't mean to, actually. She believed in reverse psychology. When you criticise someone to the maximum, they would have this urge to correct it and prove to others that they are not to be criticised. But sadly, it doesn't work with me. I know the wrongs i have done. Even if no one points it out to me, i know. And i do feel guilty about it. And to top it up, when someone is hard on me for what i've done, i hate myself. Why am i not able to change?? Why am i not forgetting my past?? I feel emotionally drained.
Now do you get it? These underlying things have been brewing in my mind for a very long time. the extra salt just triggered it off!
In my case,the only way to release these emotions is through tears.
I've been told may times that i'm too sensitive. "Why're you crying for such silly things?? " ... Why are you crying for nothing? ... What did i do to make you cry??
You see, I didn't cry when i was told that i was not worth a penny. i didn't cry when i was told that i was a dumb for not having a baby soon. I cried when i was told that i would look terrible in Sari.
It was not the comment about Sari that hurt me. But with all of it together, i was not able to bear it. (By the way, i don't look that bad in Sari, FYI)
Its like the rain cycle. These sarcastic, hurting and malicious remarks by others evaporates and condenses in the mind. And over time, it gets heavier and heavier. The face gets cloudy and gloomy. Finally when its not able to hold it any longer, it rains down as tears. After a good, long rain, the sky clears, isn't it? Just like that, my mind clears, i become happy. I tend to forget everything that had been haunting me for sometime. And after a while, when nasty remarks starts pouring in, the history repeats!
But i must say, the best thing to me that happened to me after marriage was, of course, my husband. My husband, who allows me to cry. He doesn't stop me. He doesn't get angry when i'm not able to tell him my reasons for the tears. He allows me to cry on his chest. One thing i yearned for all my life and finally God was kind enough to grand me that. My Husband.
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