I feel like i'm being eaten up from the inside. I just don't know how to continue anymore. For the past 3 days, I'm back to doom-scrolling. I can't sleep at night... aimless scrolling until 2am...3am.. waking up at 6 - 6.30 am.. sending my kid to school.... going back to sleep again at 9-10 am... waking up again after an hour or 2.... binge eating.... but i don't consume in large amount also.... just chuck in whatever is there edible in the kitchen....
The worst part................. I'm lasing out on my poor kid............................................... :(
I start initiating things... but it doesn't materialize..... somehow somethings or the other happens and it just doesn't take shape......
I thought of taking up Montessori Teachers Training course .... nope.. didnt happen..
I thought of doing Mandala art / Zentangle art and creating an Instagram page of it .... I have the timelapse videos of those work i have done.... nope... didn't happen....
I thought of joining Bharathanatyam class while my daughter attends Karate class but no... the class timings doesn't coincide... so ....... nope... didn't happen...
My husband have been telling me to start learning stock marketing so it's an extra income while I am at home.... First of all... I have no idea about this field... second, i have absolutely no interest in it........ every time this conversation starts between us, i go quiet... the reason i go quiet is because i just dont know how to explain it to him..... that how difficult it is for me to learn a new thing which is not even of my slightest interest and even if i were to start learning, i would undergo a loooot of stress and it's going to make my already messed up brain of mine even worse... when these thousand and one things are going through my mind, just one more activity is going to topple me over... I know what i would have to go through and I'm absolutely terrified of it.... In the past, all i had to do was bear it alone.... just burn and melt inside... no one knew and no one had to know.... but now i can't afford to do that... I have brought a child into this world and I have to make sure that my insane state of mind doesn't affect her.
It's like a vicious circle... i want to do something... but something physically or emotionally or mentally stops me from doing that... i go into an anxiety phase... it affects my family life... i feel guilty about letting it affect my family life.... my crying spell starts... i go into a frenzy mode of either cleaning up/ organizing the house...or initiating some of the above listed things and it feels good for a couple of days... but when that doesn't get completed, the whole cycle gets repeated and i go back to square one. And then i just freeze.... i go into a frozen mode...
This has been my life for the past 7 plus years... How do i explain these things to someone who hasn't gone through it or to someone who doesn't want to understand it......
I have tried medications... it seems to work but i cant afford of take the medicines and lie in bed... I have people depending on me..... i need to be up and about....
I feel like i'm being tried by invisible ropes all over my body and being pulled from all over the sides..
It's been so long since i wrote.... usually, it used to make me feel better... but no... i still feel terrible and i still have tears rolling down my eyes for the past 45 plus minutes...
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