A painful loss - Covid19

I lost my grand uncle to covid19 today. It was a shock. Not even in my wildest dream did i think that i would lose someone this close. I was numb when my husband told me the news. It just couldn't sink in. Even now as i write, it doesn't strike as a reality at all....

I had seen him the last time i went to native. He had come over to see me and my daughter. He was one of those few people who whole heartedly loved me. He was a stroke survivor. Paralysed... yet able to walk with a walking stick.

I came here to write so that I can clear my heart of this pain........... but nothing is coming out............ I just feel weak................................... numb.......................................

Mr Insomnia Strikes again!

 Yea.. I had insomnia yesterday night. I didn't get a shut eye yesterday night.

I was tossing and turning it got so bad i got up and went to the next room to sleep. Nope .. didn't work. Came back.. took out my phone and stared reading somethings... nope, didn't work.. started playing game.. This is how i sleep most of the time. I use my phone to stop my mind from wandering. I either read something or play a game. Slowly i'll drift to sleep and when my phone falls off from my hand i would keep it away and sleep. But yesterday nothing worked. So ended up playing until 6.30 am and then got up and started making breakfast. Around 8am I came and lied down on the sofa and then i fell asleep. 

It's been a really long time since i had insomnia. Considering my days now i guess this was just assumable. oh well.........

yea yea.. another distress release post

 It's been a long time... so time to release my pent up emotions.

My overwhelmed emotion got so bad this time that i had to look for a therapist online.

It all started 5-6 days back. Idon't know why but i just had this intense feeling of congestion in my chest/stomach area.. not the physical kind of congestion but i just felt like some kind of force/tension in that area. I could literally feel it ... damn it!  

The next day it was something else altogether. It was anger. Extreme anger for God knows what. I had never experienced this much of anger for so long. I was throwing utensils around in the kitchen. Just the sight of unclean things irked me. The house was in a mess. My toddler was adding to the mess. The emotion was mounting so bad that yesterday i started shouting and venting my frustration on my poor child. Every time i lost my temper with my child i would cry with guilt. I was basically crying the whole day. 

In the afternoon, after a bout of crying spells, i decided to look for a therapist / psychologist online right then and there. (I couldn't let my child be a victim of my extreme emotions ) I found one. Booked an appointment at 7pm in the evening. It was a chat session. I decided to do a chat session because i know i wouldn't be able to talk as half the session i would be crying. This way (chat) i could cry and communicate at the same time. It was helpful to a certain extend. I had someone to listen to. Its like i had to pay someone 900Rs to listen to me for 40minutes. I'm gonna have to start working so that i can earn to pay someone to listen to my problems. Wow!

Well, she is the one who suggested that i start writing (again). Apparently these emotions built up over days/months/years makes us feel this way and something may trigger it and this is what usually ends in crying spells and stuff. 

I kind of have an idea what triggered it. Well, at least i think so. 

For the past 1 week, i have been reading articles from The Straits Times (a news paper in Singapore) about the Covid 19 spread in India. Its not the article that affected me but the comments that i saw for that article. The horrendous comments about India, its people, its government....... just broke my heart. 

Apparently a few people from India who had gone to Singapore have been found to be covid positive. Again the heinous comments started pouring in. We were irresponsible, apparently, we were taking up the jobs of the locals.. we were taking the whole of our village there and ................................ i don't think i want to go on..... 

These kind of comments just made me so angry. I mean is this what these people had in their minds all along.....about us Indians? There was one comment that said after infesting Singapore, Indians are looking for greener pastures like Europe. What the hell man.... I'm not the patriotic kind but this just made me almost topple the table over. I'm glad i left that place for heaven's sake!!

*Sigh* I feel like i got a load off my chest.... My therapist was right. I really need to start writing again.. To escape from this loneliness and this mundane life. I guess i only have myself to rely on. No one else and nothing else. 

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On another note, I kind of have some ideas sparking in my mind. I think i might act on it soon. =)!! 

Good luck to me! 

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I don't know if anyone reads my blog... If someone does, I'm sorry for the depressing posts.. This is my outlet to vent my feelings.  

Literally pain in the heart

Yeah yeah... I'm back. I'm back with another depressing post.
I guess I come here when I have too much going on in my mind and as usual, I have no one to share it with.

Just now I had this ache in my heart. You know that feeling of pain.. not physical pain but that extreme emotional pain that you feel.
Emotional pain is too strong such that you kind of feel the physical pain in your heart. Maybe that's where the word heartbreak or heartbroken comes from.

As each day goes by, I'm losing the motivation to live. I'm just waiting for my final day I realise.
I'm just passing each day till the day I die I guess.

The lump in my throat is getting too painful. In the past I used to be able to cry as and when I wanted without being noticed and whenever I wanted. And that used to make me feel better. A long cry used to clear my sadness, frustration and all negative feelings. But now it's not possible. With a lovely toddler tailing behind you all the time taking care of her, playing with her, solving her little problems, just being there for her has made me spend zero amount of time with myself.
Even taking care of my daughter is being compromised because of my mental state right now.

I was feeling so down in the dumbs 2 days back that I started my old habit of listening to my favourite songs.

I don't know why I'm still alive.. yea I  know why.. but.. wwhhyyyy??
(Kung Fu Panda's father Mr. Ping said this.. :D ) !!

Corona

I ended up bursting out crying just now.. I'm scared .. I'm frustrated.. I'm cranky.. I'm hyper at times.. I'm out of mind sometimes. I don't know what to do.. I don't know who to talk to..
 Corona is scaring me.. That's for sure. But.......... I don't know what's happening to me.........
In the past I used to be able to write my feelings out even if I was not able to vocalise it. Now even that is not possible. And it's driving me crazy. Here I am crying my eyes out and simply typing away in my phone... :(
God.. Help me!!
This isolation is driving me crazy..
An introvert forced into self isolation is not a pleasant thing.

Hibernation mode

I feel like I'm going into a hibernation mode.. weird.
You know how a laptop kind of slows down and the lights dim before turning the screen off when it hasn't been used for a while. Suddenly when someone touches the touch pad it just kind of startles itself back to life. That's how I feel now.. Now as in, for the past few days. I don't realise the passage of time..
I have been burning the food in the kitchen. I completely forget that something is kept on the stove. Only when it's burnt to the core with smoke do I realise that something was there on the stove.
Only after 2 or 3 whistles of the pressure cooker do I realise that the whistle had gone off and I don't know how many had gone off.
I guess I'm subconsciously nodding off. I'm turning into a walking zombie. I'm nodding off with my eyes open.
I don't realise the passage of the week or months for that matter. Even when it's Friday, I would think that it's still Tuesday or Wednesday.
Something is happening to me.............
:( !!

Just a fraction of a second

It only takes a fraction of a second to feel utterly worthless.

Why am i letting other people decide how i feel???

Over days and weeks i would preach in my facebook posts about how you should take control of your emotions and stay strong and be who you are and all kinds of crap and within seconds a mere change of an expression from a stranger can make me feel depressed.

That feeling of having something heavy deep down in your stomach... the urge to just lie in bed... the feeling of having the urge to wail out in emotional pain but being numb instead... having no appetite to eat even when you are starving... the physical aches and pains for no reasons known.

What makes it worse is having a little angel hovering around you with so much of love and enthusiasm but not being able to reciprocate the same kind of love back.

Honestly sometimes i feel that i shouldn't have had her. If only she had been born to a better mother..or rather a better human being. How i wish............

PC : https://medium.com/@annastasya/how-to-overcome-emotional-pain-a925de33f85b